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Shadowman Contest
FiringSquad (motto: hey, where'd the hamster go?) proudly presents the awards for the "Why I should win ShadowMan" contest. Most of the entries were pretty damned bad, so if you didn't win, chances are it's for a good reason (put some back into it next time!). There is also a runner-up, who will receive (as sort of a consolation - it was a hard pick between the winners) a copy of the Shadow Man comic book, and a copy of Trophy Buck. Hey, if you can't battle voodoo demons, at least you can hunt helpless animals, right?
Here's the runner-up, submitted by Bruce of Austin, TX.
Dear Mr. Nat Baldwin:
It is with extreme embarrassment and humility that I write you this letter. Recent events have transpired against Acclaim, Inc., and threaten to destroy our gaming franchise. Two nights ago, our publishing facilities burned down along with all of the retail Shadowman CD's, manuals, and boxes. We had been scrambling to send another copy of Shadowman to a still-existing publisher when all of our files were maliciously destroyed by an unknown virus from an unknown origin. All of our compiled copies and source code are gone. Our computers are still infected, and our bills are piling through the roof. We are in desperate need of income.
It appears that the boxed copy of Shadowman that our PR representative sent you was the last copy that of Shadowman in existence. Your copy holds the only real proof that a final version ever existed. Although there are evaluation version for reviews (such as the ones we sent you earlier), there is only one boxed retail version that we are aware of. The publisher (who shall remain unnamed at this time) that we had sought help from requires us to produce a retail version. Without it, they will not give us the line of credit that we require to publish Shadowman. The fate of our company rests in your hands.
We humbly ask that you graciously return your copy of Shadowman to us so that we may send it off to a publisher ASAP. In doing so, you would gain the respect of not only Acclaim, but of you peers, and all of the gaming community. We might even publish a special "Nat" edition of Shadowman in your honor. None of this will be possible, however, if we cannot retain your boxed copy of Shadowman. Please return Shadowman to the personal address below (not to the original sender's address) as Acclaim's headquarters and offices are being looted by investigators on charges of tax evasion and fraud. There is no evasion or fraud, we simply cannot afford to pay our bills. Mr. Bruce Ho has been kind enough to lend me his residence and his computer so that I can write this last email to you. I cannot even access my own email account -- I must use his.
[Address omitted]
Please do not deprive the citizens of the world of this great game. Please help us pay our bills. Shadowman is our only possible source of income. All else has been lost. Our families are starving. The loan agencies are repossessing our furniture and belongings as we speak. My car was just towed out of the driveway. Investigators have frozen our bank accounts. Countless states are investigating us for fraud. We are innocent, but we cannot even afford to pay our lawyers to defend us. This is the direst of circumstances and the cruelest of times. The future of Shadowman and Acclaim rests in your hands. I know you will do what is best. All of us at Acclaim appreciate your cooperation in advance, and we assure you that we will send you another copy of Shadowman in the near future.
Pitifully,
--- ERROR: Transmission lost
--- Reason: Account has been frozen by investigators
--- MAILER-DAEMON ERROR: no such address [email address omitted]
--- Please try again later.
--- Additional message follows:
Mr. Baldwin:
Please ignore the above message. Nothing is true. This is for your eyes only. Do not redistribute. We're watching you.
Sincerely,
Agent
Bureau of Investigation
And the winner, by Chris of Waterloo, Canada:
So I was watching The Cosby Show. Damn fine man, that Mr. Cosby.
I got up to get some chips. You may be asking yourself, "what kind of chips did he get?" Then again, you may not. See if I care.
Anyway, I tripped on a rubber chicken. You may be asking yourself, "what kind of rubber chicken?" Then again, you may not. Let me tell you, he had nice breasts.
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