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You're fat percentage is higher than a can of Crisco, the adhesive you used to cautiously repair your dark rimmed glasses sluggishly drips, your sweat stains aren't from exercise, but rather the incessant finger clicks in which you devote your entire life. You're stomach jiggles proudly, for you are a PC gamer, polygons and pixels are your bread and butter.


Sports? Only if R is sprint. Social interaction? Multiplayer. Vacation? Sleep an hour. Unhealthy? Yes, but you're happy. You live for bed at 6 A.M. and coffee at 8 A.M.. You'll sit down in your lower back support customized chair, ignite your charmingly granny-speed computer, put in your Mass Effect CD... Wait, what? Oh... It's about the game, not the graphics right? No, it's cool, I gotcha. Shooting a sphere of pale/peach mud compared to decimating an unsuspecting enemy's fully rendered head has the same value of fun. I thought Nerds were smart.

Let's put it this way, would you rather live in a house or in a cage? Don't be restrained by the handicaps of your system, don't worry about lag, just play the damn game. The way life was intended, well, for you.

There's no denying that Mass Effect is a next generation game, so why are you playing it on last generation hardware? And you call yourself a PC gamer. A crossfire rig is what REALLY playing feels like. Make your second life look better than the original, make your hand cling to the mouse like J.R.R. Tolkein to an adjective. It took two jedi to beat Darth Maul and it'll take two graphics cards to make you s*** your pants. Secret to happiness, love, and beauty? I just told you! Wash your glasses, comb(over) your hair, adjust your bow-tie, steam your slacks, and buy a shiny new crossfire rig. Hell, a Bowflex wouldn't hurt either.

- Astriir